4 food network hosts i love to hate

While I don’t watch the Food Network nearly as much as I used to, I still find myself lingering on that channel more than most others. Yet these 4 Food Network hosts will have me hunting for the remote control faster than you can spell EVOO.

 

#1 – Rachael Ray

Rachael Ray makes me think of mayonnaise and Wonder Bread – two things that instantly make me retch just at the mention of them. Her nasally Midwestern accent, her annoying little sayings, aka Rachael Ray-isms, like: yummo, easy-peasy, sammie, stoup, and delish; plus her uber-flat pronunciation of anything that sounds remotely foreign is enough to make my ears bleed. Frankly, those so-called 30 minute meals aren’t exactly time savers if it involves an additional 30 minutes for me to clean up all the blood and vomit expelled from my facial orifices after watching the filth-flarn show.

Now don’t get me wrong – I respect Rachael’s entrepreneurial gangsta and all. This woman is a brand that rivals Martha and Oprah, and there’s a lot to be said for that. Plus, when she’s off camera, she actually seems to be a lot more palatable. But her over-the-top onscreen personality earns her the top spot on the list of Food Network stars I love to hate.

Not to mention she kinda reminds me of Audrey Griswold from National Lampoon’s European vacation.

 

 

#2 – Sandra Lee

Sandra Lee is a fembot with faulty wiring. I’m certain that if this alleged woman were dissected, there would be no human organs found inside, only clock parts, glue, and popsicle sticks. This ‘woman’ and the food she cooks is an abomination. She is the representation of everything that is going wrong in American kitchens today. The majority of what she cooks is processed or pre-packaged food that comes out of a can or box, like I assume she did. And if I had to guess, I’d say her internal workings are fueled by alcohol, since the only time on her awful show when she looks even remotely lifelike is when she’s preparing a cocktail to drown out the taste of the plastic food she’s prepared. And don’t even get me started on those tablescapes. Look, I love a nice decorative table theme, but the stuff she puts out there looks like an android’s interpretation of human celebratory rituals.

In this video clip of Sandra Lee outtakes, she slips up and reveals that SHE (not just her food) is semi-homemade. Also note the hefty supply of fembot fuel on the table. Just saying.

 

 

 

 

#3 – The Chairman’s Nephew

Take a Benihana hibachi cook and put him in a well-tailored suit, and you’ve got The Chairman’s Nephew. As if Iron Chef America wasn’t awful enough with such inspired secret ingredients as… CHEESE, Food Network had to go and get this clown and dare to pass him off as the nephew of Chairman Kaga – the original host of Iron Chef Japan. First off, this dude is NOT Chairman Kaga’s nephew. He’s a martial arts movie actor, whose real name is Mark Dacascos. He’s starred in such stellar cinematic offerings as: Only the Strong, Double Dragon, and Kickboxer 5. And even if he was the Chairman’s real-life nephew, I’m sure Kaga in his infinite wisdom would have disowned him long ago. Secondly, the Chairman’s nephew’s presence on Iron Chef America is entirely unnecessary. He adds nothing to the show other than weird, cartoonish facial expressions and backflips that I’m not sure if I’m supposed to take seriously or if I should be offended by how stereotypically ‘Asian’ they are.

 

Though when not in his well-tailored suit, I have to admit, the Chairman’s nephew is kinda sexy. Yet even at his sexiest, he’s still not nearly as sexy as Chairman Kaga. Rawr.

 

[Sidenote: why the %&#@! does the Food Network dub Masaharu Morimoto’s voice on Iron Chef America? That’s just rude.]

 

#4 – Sunny Anderson

Lacefront wigs are a menace to society, and no one is immune to their horrendous effect on black women’s hairlines. Not even Sunny Anderson. I have to be honest, I really have no idea what Sunny cooks like or what Sunny talks about because every time I see her on TV, all of my other senses are rendered useless by the insurmountable distraction that is her hair. What the heck  is up with Sunny’s HAIR!? Did she borrow it from Sandra Lee? Is she recovering from chemo? I mean c’mon Food Network, there are only two brown women on the whole bloody station, and you can’t hook a sister up with a better stylist, or at least a lacefront in a color that isn’t the exact same color of her skin? Really? Really!?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What Food Network hosts do you love or love to hate? Share ‘em in the comments.

cheers,

k

 

we brunch hard – brunch is not a game. it’s delicious.

Man, I thought I was serious about brunch. But Brooklyn-based comedian and tell-it-like-it-’tis man Elon James White has got me beat. Unlike all those other brunch rappers out there… he spits nothing but hot FIYAH!

I will definitley be booming this on Saturday mornings from here on out.

Read, see, and hear more from Elon (and believe me, you’ll want to) on This Week in Blackness.

cheers,

k

before black dynamite and bushido brown

Alright, so if you don’t already know (or don’t already have your own bootleg copy), Black Dynamite comes out on DVD today. This hilariously authentic spoof of 70s blaxploitation films features Michael Jai White (of Spawn and other B-movie fame) as the ass-kicking, smack-fighting, lady killer, Black Dynamite, who will stop at nothing to avenge his brother’s death and clean up the ‘hood.

The movie premiered at the 2009 Sundance Film Festival, but unfortunately, was largely overshadowed by the heavier-themed Precious.  However, Black Dynamite has gotten a lot of positive reviews from  critics, and I for one think it’s impressive to note that Jai White not only stars in the film – delivering both comic lines and action sequences with great skill – but also had a hand in writing the script. I guess he’s had enough B-movie experience to be able to turn the genre into a comic goldmine for himself.

On a related note, I happened to be enjoying a DVD collection of The Boondocks during Atlanta’s recent snow ‘storm’ , and rediscovered one of my favorite scenes  where Huey goes toe-to-toe with Bushido Brown, a black kung fu master sporting a perfectly coiffed afro and aviator sunglasses. The beau – who’d never seen the Boondocks episode – hipped me to the fact that the cartoon character seemed to be modeled after Jim Kelly, a real-life blaxploitation kung fu action hero from the 70s. Later that day, in an attempt to cure our cabin fever, we made a trip to Videodrome and immediately came across Black Belt Jones, the 1974 flick starring none other than Jim Kelly.  Needless to say I snatched it up and, upon viewing it, was surprised to find that not only did The Boondocks borrow Kelly’s image for the character of Bushido Brown, but Michael Jai White also borrowed heavily from Black Belt Jones for several scenes of Black Dynamite. The theme song from Black Belt Jones – composed by funk guitarist Dennis Coffey – was also surprisingly familiar. A snippet of the theme (along with a snippet from Coffey’s tune, ‘Scorpio’) was sampled in LL Cool J’s ‘Jingling Baby’. Just goes to show, a good thing never goes out of style.

If you’re a fan of movie spoofs, 70s culture, tongue-in-cheek action films, or watching sexy, shirtless black kung fu masters stick it to the man, I strongly suggest you rent them both.

Later for you jive turkeys,

k

april fool’s day at the office

5:30 pm Tuesday March 31: It’s done. I’ve set up my April Fool’s Day office joke and I managed to do so without being detected. Sweet. Now I just need to pack up my things and head home for today. If it didn’t look weird, I’d pat myself on the back for being so clever. My joke is simple, effective and to the point. I rock.

5:45pm Tuesday, March 31: A sudden feeling of nervousness is creeping up on me. What if they don’t think it’s funny? Well, that in itself wouldn’t be bad. Plenty of folks don’t get my sense of humor. But – that’s not what’s making me nervous. What if they think it’s offensive? What if someone thinks I’ve singled them out specifically, and complains to management? Hell, I’m not even an employee at this office. I’m a hired gun. A contractor. Technically, I hold less rank than the mail room guy. Oh, no. What was I thinking? I shouldn’t have done it. I’m not part of the team. I’m an outsider. An interloper. I’m going to tarnish the image of my firm. There’s going to be repercussions. I could be reprimanded. I could be fired. I could be drawn and quartered at dawn! Ahhh ,well…too late now.
6:30 pm Tuesday, March 31: On the ride home from the Marta station, I explain my prank to the beau. He laughs. “That’s a good one.” Whew. Okay, well if he finds it funny, I should be okay. I mean, he’s a good natured wholesome kinda guy – If it doesn’t offend his sensibilities…. Though there was that one Katt Williams joke he laughed at uproariously…. Maybe he can’t be trusted.

Oh, how did I get myself into this?

9:30am Tuesday, March 31: I’m sitting in a room the size of a large storage closet, having a discussion with one of my coworkers. A trio of people are peering in through the glass door to the room smiling broadly. One of them opens the door. “See, look at the transformation!” The others oooh and ahhh. They’re apparently oblivious to the fact that my colleague and I were attempting to have a private discussion. After a few moments, they close the door and walk away. Their excitement is due to the fact that today, someone decided to arrange the chairs and tables (the same ones that have always been in the room) into café-style configuration. They’ve even placed white paper napkins on the table and a printed sign on the door that reads, “Café Tres” (we’re on the 3rd floor). Since we 3rd floor dwellers haven’t had anywhere before now to eat our lunch other than our desks, I too can appreciate the subtle changes, but “C’mon people,” I think. “It’s the same room, the same chairs. Now there’s just napkins and a sign. Seriously?” Just then, another group peers in smiling and repeats the ooh and ahh session of the previous group. Seriously.

A few moments later, I’m chit-chatting with two other coworkers over coffee. I decide to hip them to the new ‘café’. “Oh, have you guys heard about the new restaurant in the building?” I’m hamming it up. They’re eating it up. “It’s called Café Tres! The décor is simply sublime! I hear the wait list is as long as your arm. But don’t worry. I know a guy who owes me a favor. I can get us in.” They laugh hysterically. I’m high off the feeling of making them laugh hysterically. Then it hits me: I’ve got the perfect April Fool’s Day joke!

9:00am Wednesday, April 1: I slide into my cube and set my things down. Something looks awry. Was my monitor angled that way last night? Uh-oh. Maybe they’ve found me out and pranked me back. Or maybe they were searching my computer for evidence of the crime. That’s ridiculous I tell myself. Just play it cool. I go about preparing my morning coffee and decide to query one of my team members that arrives earlier than I do. When I run into her in the hallway, I ask “So…uh, anything interesting or exciting happen this morning?” She squints suspiciously. I drop the coy routine. “You know, like anything about the…uh, café…?” Her eyes widen. “That was you!?” In the next second I contemplate either running from the building or pleading for leniency. Then, she starts laughing uncontrollably. “Oh my god, that was hilarious. We were wondering who did that. It took us forever to figure out it was a joke!”

“So, nobody was offended, right?”

“Offended? Noooo….” she says, still laughing. “It was hilarious. You should have seen our faces. I gotta go tell Nancy! She’s gonna get a kick out of this!”

So like I was saying…. I wasn’t worried. I knew it would work all along.

cheers,

k

if there’s a cure for this…

…seriously, I don’t want it. But I still think it’s funny as all hell.

And I love that it’s from “the makers of Damitol”.

cheers,

k

my latest guilty pleasure – rupaul’s drag race

I don’t know why I love drag queens, but I do.

Actually, I’m lying. I do know why I love ‘em.

As a youngster, I was certainly no girly girl. My wardrobe consisted largely of baggy jeans, tees, and baseball caps fitted snugly around my head which was forever buried in a book. But in my late teens, I frequently traded in the baseball cap and jeans for heels, makeup, and high fashion – modelling in fashion shows and (accidentally) winning a beauty pageant. Much of my ‘diva training’ - from how to work a catwalk, to which fork to use for salad, to when and how to leverage a flair for the dramatic, had been delivered to me over the years by several ‘artsy uncles’, who at the time I viewed as simply… eccentric.

C’mon.  It was a small GA town in the 80s…what did I know?

Besides that, I generally admire anyone who has the, er… balls to get on stage and perform. And even more admiration goes to those transformer performers that totally become someone different when they get in front of a crowd.

So when my friend Kali hipped me to LOGO’s new reality show, RuPaul’s Drag Race, I was instantly hooked!

The show borrows alot of its format from my other guilty TV pleasure – America’s Next Top Model. But instead of young would-be models blossoming under the tutelage of Tyra Banks, the show’s contestants are some of the fiercest female impersonators in the US, lorded over by the grand-diva of them all, Ms. (“you betta work bitch”) Ru Paul.

So far, my fan favorites are the cute little Asian queen, Ongina, and the beuatifully bizarre Nina Flowers (girl’s accent is the cutest). But all the girls serve it up with full glamazon drama and attitude. In each episode, the contestants are given a challenge, and the bottom two losers of each challenge, must (drum roll, please) lip-synch for their lives!! Without a doubt, it’s the best part of the show, and I must admit, I end up lip-synching right along with the divas as if my life depended on it. I think I may have a future as a female impersonator impersonator. Stage name: Candi Tucker.

New episodes air every Monday at 10pm on the LOGO channel. Or you can watch full episodes of Ru Paul’s Drag Race online. Check it out and prepare to get hooked.

cheers, bitches!

k

it’s gold!

Without a doubt my favorite Superbowl commerical this year:

 

 

cheers,

k

only a few more days…

It’s hard to believe that the moment I (and so very many other people) have been waiting for for so long is almost upon me. There were times when I was certain it would never happen, even though I felt that if I believed hard enough, it actually could.

And now with only a few days separating me from the realization of this long-awaited, historic event, I’m near speechless.

So I’ll just let it speak for itself.

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